Mordred's wish
by bookmistress
Summary: MoA what was it Mordred was thinking of as he did the things he did. not very good, just my little thoughts on what they may have been
1. Chapter 1

My wish was granted.

I had wanted to see you again, not as a priestess of the Goddess but as a son would look upon his mother.

After I had found out my true parentage and concocted the plan as to how we should take the high throne and keep the ways of the Goddess alive. My heart began to weep for you. It was no wonder as to why you had left me in the Scottish wilderness and returned to Camelot. How would you have been able to look at me, knowing what I was and what a crime against nature we had committed. You and him for begetting me, me for becoming the scandal and shame of Avalon.

I finally arrived at Camelot where I met Arthur- the man who was my uncle and father too, I couldn't help but notice how unlike you were. You were dark and graceful with hair like midnight and eyes like steel, pale skin like the moon, almost fae like. Arthur was the sun child, golden skin that once glowed now diminished with age and strife, blue eyes like the open sea, blonde hair streaked with grey I started to wonder. Was this the prodigal son of Avalon?


	2. Chapter 2

When I had made myself known as Arthur's nephew, he had remarked on how I carried the same regal air as you. How thrilled I was to hear that I was like you in face and character, after all what child does not wish to be like their parents.

I soon revealed who I really was, neither I nor Arthur was happy with whom and what I was when the truth was came out.

He and I had been debating on whom he should name heir, as we prepared for the upcoming battle. He told me that he could not choose someone not of his own descent. It was then that I told him of our little secret. I made myself known again as Arthur's son and his heir. It wasn't even planned, certainly not the time I was planning on revealing my true identity. But it seems the Goddess put the words into my mouth and I spoke them, after all I am nothing but her servant. How his face fell as I reminded him of the night of Beltane and he realised what I said was true. Perhaps he wasn't the gullible fool I thought him to be. That queen of his, Guinevere came just as I told him who I was. How it must have hurt her to know that _you_ had provided the heir and not _her. _The hope of Camelot's heir had never been in her power, she being such a weak thing could have never been able to produce a child worthy of the Pendragons blood. That is why I was conceived before Arthur married. That is why Mourgause cursed her womb so that she would never taint our blood with Christian ideals. This is what I choose to believe anyway.

She ran away unable to look at me and I would admit only to you that I was unable to look at Arthur. I couldn't stand the look of disgust and fear on his face when he saw me for the first time and realised that I was only heir.

I had been taunted throughout most of my childhood, not that you would have seen it. Lot would have never touched me if you had been there, he may have been a pig but not a stupid one. He knew better than to earn the hatred of a priestess of Avalon. However as soon as you left I was at the mercy of his temper. Therefore he would often beat me when he could and treated me with disgust as if I was an abomination to behold this he taught his sons and all others around me to do the same. This was because of my being a bastard child, and one that was heir to a throne not that I knew it at the time. I had, in his eyes, robbed his sons of the high throne.

As you may know Mourgause treated me with some form affection that I constantly craved and was deprived of since you left. Mourgause treated me with a distorted version of love and respect that I would never question for any affection I received in that place from anyone was scarce. Lot made sure of that. I often wondered why she did not view me as a creature wanted by no-one, not even their own mother. Know I know why. So that when I became high king, she would be treated as the high queen mother. In a sense she was. She never looked at me with disgust but Arthur-my father-my creator did, just as Lot and his cruel companions had done when I was in Orkney.

I walked away in silence, he never came after me nor did he try.


	3. Chapter 3

Who knew one castle could hold so many secrets, like the forbidden love between Lancelot and Guinevere. Did you know their secret during your stay, I found out easily enough. I find it hard to believe that anyone could not see the look of love that crossed their faces when ever they shared a glance. Especially you, you who were priestess of the all seeing and the knowing goddess. How could you not know?

How bitterly ironic it was that she would soon plan to commit adultery not hours after she discovered her own husband's infidelity.

When I waited in Lancelot's room knowing that the queen would enter I wondered whether Arthur even knew- If he did he hid it well. I couldn't help but note as I waited crouched by Lancelot's bed how increasingly unbearable it seemed, for her to invite herself into his room hoping _knowing_ that Lancelot would come, and I waiting in the shadows biding my time until I could prove to the others what treachery Lancelot was capable of.

Gawain had denied my claims when I first told him what I had witnessed between Guinevere and Lancelot. I had been expecting this, after all who would believe me, the new-comer, the young upstart against the words of such wise and war hardened heroes? I convinced him in the end along with others, what harm could it do? If I was wrong then no-one would be harmed and we could forget it had ever been thought of. Ah poor noble Gawain, trying to see the good in everyone, he could never see that there were flaws in every man including his dear cousin Lancelot. I had often wondered how close the bond was between them, for if passing strangers had seen them they would have thought them brothers. Perhaps that is why Gawain was reluctant to hear me speak of Lancelot's betrayal, they who were so close in bond and that bond had been strengthened by the years facing battle side by side, united (even if others were not) by the desire to preserve Britain, and their one cousin the High King- _my father._

_Just that thought leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, would they be as united if they knew his dark secret? I doubt it, the Christians would revolt in mass waves and the Knights would be powerless, they can fight against Saxons but not against their own kinsmen. Would they still be as united if I were to become the High King, after all that is my fate, that is the reason I was conceived by such abominable mean, to take the high throne. _

The creak of the great wooden door that opened into Lancelot's chambers brought me back to the task in hand; I tightened my grip on my dagger waiting to strike, steeling myself for a fight should my instincts be proved wrong. However when I caught sight of the golden hair and sapphire dress, I knew my suspicions were confirmed as the _Queen_ entered.

I watch her, my eyes taking in every action she makes, even though, as she removes her outer gown, I fight the urge to shudder and laugh. How will Gawain find the many virtues of Lancelot with this presented before him? The Queen crawls onto the bed as if waiting as if presenting herself to him as a newly made bride would her own husband. How pathetic that a man of his years and wisdom and a woman of her status would even try to pretend that they will ever be together. Fate never meant for them to be, they were meant to love and watch each other from afar but they were not made to be united under the ties of marriage. Fate will often play this game, always keeping what you most desire in your sight but out of your reach.

She does not suspect a thing. I grab her and place the dagger across her throat. No words pass between us but she knows what shall happen. I hear the door open again and before she can utter a cry of warning to her lover I place my hand over her mouth and drag her into the shadows with me.


	4. Chapter 4

_I had exposed the many deep dark secrets of this seemingly utopian castle, the head of all virtue and brotherhood that had been hidden for many years before my birth in little less than a year. The bitter hypocrisy of this place is almost comical. The place that claims to be the heart and soul of Britain is now a twisted and tainted heart and soul, covered by a false sense of camaraderie. How strange it was, to go and confront Arthur and kill him for the sake of Avalon, only to discover I had no need to kill him directly, my greatest weapon was not a sharpened blade nor bow and arrow but nothing but the simple truth. The truth would destroy him more than any weapon, and when Britain could see Camelot without the false covers and cries of loyalty. Arthur would be alone and I would take him easily. The great castle of Camelot bought to shame and its once great high King reduced to disgrace and dishonour. My task would be done and I would become the high King and I vowed to nobody but myself that I would never surround myself with such liars such as those beloved knights, and would never parade around in falsities like Arthur. _

For such an event, it took les than the time I expected. When Lancelot entered the room, the Queen began to struggle more, to warn her lover and to escape my grasp. I kept my eyes on him searching for any weaknesses, studying him like a wolf about to strike his prey. That is what I must be if my plan is to work, a wolf-strong, cunning and silent. I watch him slowly, waiting and for a moment I wonder what it is that causes the other knights, especially Gawain, to trust him so well.

_I had never been trusted, even Morgause seemed reluctant to see me become one of the knights of Orkney. I could never understand why until was older, until I knew who and what was to be my fate but still I watched as those who had once been my peers become knights and honoured, while I watched alone and unnoticed. I could never be part of the great discussions concerning the welfare of Britain; I was just a soldier to be used and lost but I had my success, I had my victories and even Arthur himself had heard of my deeds. I may not have been a knight but my battle skills were equal to any legendary knight of Camelot .I may not have been given my full due that is worthy of someone of my military successes but no-one not even Lot could deny my skill as a warrior. Tell me, if you had stayed would you have watched me become a warrior, would you have been proud to see me wield a sword like the other mothers would as they watched their sons take the steps towards becoming a man? _

I mused to long and while lost in thought my grip over the Queens mouth slackened. She pushed my hand away and called to him before I could stop her, one word "run". He ran towards the door but it was too late, the men who I had positioned in the room stepped forward and blocked his escape. I thought it rather pathetic that he would try to save himself and not attempt to help his beloved Queen, who he so ardently desired. Are not knights meant to rescue fair maidens from danger? I stepped forward, face defiant as I looked at the elder man in front of me.

The look on Gawain' s face was truly priceless, I could just imagine how it crumbled like the worn face of a gargoyle in a storm, when he saw how his idol was no more than a traitor. Equally the look of surprise on Lancelot's face when he realised that his own blood would have to turn against him was pleasing to me.

I will not waste what precious time I have left, brooding over the fight that ensued. You, who knew Lancelot better than most of us, would know that Lancelot would not walk to his king in chains and wait for death. You could probably tell others that he fought bravely, and needless to say he overpowered the guards, even Gawain and he and his disgraced lover fled the castle. That, in the eyes of some, would be considered a defeat, But not to me. If I had wanted to take them alive I would have joined the battle, I restrained from fighting him and the others from chasing after him, not out of fear but out of the knowledge that I needed Lancelot alive and away. If I was to destroy Arthur I needed to prove how treacherous Lancelot was, and I needed Lancelot far away from Arthur so he could not continue to influence him from behind his cell bars. However I didn't need to say much to convince Arthur of Lancelot's treachery, Gawain had taken the blow the hardest, but instead of mourning, and withdrawing to lick his wounds like a wounded animal, he took the only course of action he knew. He swore to defeat Lancelot, his own cousin, in vengeance of the pain inflicted on him. In revenge of the treachery committed against Arthur, the high crown that he had swore to, and the treachery committed against him.

Arthur was most reluctant to let us hunt after him, something I had counted on. I knew how sentimental he could be, especially when it came to his family, _except me. _

My plan was working, far better than I had already intended it to, thoughts came to me of whether this was worth all the hurt and the lies once, but I didn't care. This was my fate; this was my destiny. to become high King of Britain. This was my only destiny, my only choice. Arthur was to die by my hand. For the sake of Avalon.


End file.
